my patronus is a basilisk (jeliza) wrote,
my patronus is a basilisk

if shaved head, then red lipstick = ok, else chapstick

(this is mostly just noodling for my own benefit, since maybe if I write it down I'll have to think about it less.)

The weird silver lining of when my depression was less controlled was that when the world is dulled, I didn't care that much about how I present to the world as long as it isn't very feminine. Clothes must be physically comfortable, always, but hitting a more precise zone in the masculine/butch/unmarkedandrogynous/both-and-androgynous/womanlybutnotveryfeminine space isn't an issue. Given that I default to jeans+tank top+maybe a sweather and have visible boobs/hips, that last one is where I tended to land out of sheer apathy.

But when my mind is clearer, it becomes an issue.

And makeup has become amusing again, in a "drawing lines on my face" and "bright colors are my jam" kind of way.
And it is summer, when sundresses are just so damn easy (I am not made for heat. Also, I found nifty soft knit dresses which are super comfy.)
And I am starting to care about looking like not-a-slob more if I go out where people can see me. Even if it means that I dress like a 20something art student, I'd like to look like I'm doing it on purpose.

This means that I am having to devote far more processing cycles than I want to what else I am doing with presentation. Is the funny colored mohawk going to be sufficient to balance the dress AND lipstick? Do I need to shave my head completely? Are there even sandals that aren't ugly and aren't feminine (and can handle a lift) in the world or is my emotional comfort going to demand a summer of sweaty feet in boots/sneakers?

And does all this angsting mean I need to be pondering that whole identity thing again (seriously, I did my therapy time already), which seems in many ways pointless because whether the label is cis or gender-something, it will have pretty much no practical effect given how my life is structured?  Or are my appearance preferences just frosting that doesn't need to affect the flavor of the gender-identity cake, so I can just go think about whether I should concentrate on charcoal or digital drawing instead?

I really wish I didn't care. I have so many other things I could be doing with the brain time.
Tags: actually leaving the house, androgyny, body, depression, gender, head goes boom, whining

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