I ended up buying jeggings at Torrid. I don't really like jeggings, I mean, they are nice and soft, but they don't feel like jeans. But the only other cuts the saleswoman thought would fit my waist they didn't have any 22 regulars in. (However, if you wear Torrid's Short range, the northgate store is very well stocked with the S sizes, and a fair sprinkling of Ts.) It is possible, given what meager selection was left at JCP, that some other 22 had rolled through earlier and bought all the jeans.
The mystery of the water coming from the ceiling of the downstairs bathroom has been resolved, hence I concluded my day by rolling up to Fred Meyer at 9:30pm and purchasing wd-40, all the towels on the clearance shelf, and a mini shop-vac. (Also chocolate, and cinnamon bears. because stress.) Woo!
But we know exactly what's wrong, and might be able to short-term fix it ourselves, and long term, we already knew we needed to tear the bathrooms out and redo them, we have for about 8 years now. I am not looking forward to our first real remodel, but having more than one entirely functional full bathroom get more important as the kids head into teenagehood anyway.